Wednesday, August 4, 2010

WELCOME

This is not an equal-opportunity blog. Please note that comedy includes but is not limited to: sarcasm, stereotyping, strong language, hyperbole, mature subject matter, absolute ignorance, outrageous intellect, and of course, nudity.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

9.7% of the U.S. still unemployed

I wish I could say that finding a "real job" is getting easier, but it certainly is not. We've got Harvard grads working at Home Depot. We've got recent grads winning spots over people with 20-30 years more experience for the sake of a lower salary.
You know those commercials for colleges online and programs that are supposed to help you gain a career...You know the ones, "I can't get a job because I don't have an education, I don't have an education because I couldn't pay for school, I couldn't pay for school because I didn't have a job, I didn't have a job because I couldn't get an education, etc etc etc."
As annoying as those commercials are, they are true. The problem is, it's not fixable anymore. I just searched for two hours (which is the daily average for me) for new job postings. Every new posting is looking for someone with 2 to 10 years of experience in a field. Well I graduated college in '09. How does one with one year of "real life experience" during the worst economic recession in history with the highest rate of unemployment find that experience? I used to dream about a "real job," something that would help me live comfortably, and right now I cannot even find a steady waitressing job with an NYU education and an extremely professional attitude.
So I've been thinking: because I've already missed one year of real work, and now still have "no experience" according to all job postings' requirements, how much longer will I have to wait until I can get a job low enough on the tier to start gaining said experience in order to apply for the types of jobs I should already be eligible for?
My issue is this: I did everything right. No drugs. Good education. Extracurricular and volunteer activities. Extensive social networking. And I was getting paid less than the "illegal" dishwasher at my last waitressing job. (Don't get me wrong, he was a great friend, but still...)
I did EVERYTHING I could to avoid becoming a waitress, and I am a waitress. I don't want this post to serve as an increasingly bitter diatribe of the last 14 months, but I would like it to shed a bit more light on the serious slap in the face that this country has provided to its people. When I think of all of the things I missed out on for the sake of "my future" the only thing I see is myself in the mirror trying desperately not to vomit.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Never Trust A Pretty Girl With An Ugly Secret



So true. I can't tell you how many people forget such an obvious warning. But thanks to ABCs new show premiering on June 8th at 8:00pm, we will never forget it again.
From what I've read about the show so far I am sensing some tension between the teenybopper readers of Sara Shepard's hit book series "Pretty Little Liars" and ABCs casting department.
Apparently there is a big hullabaloo about the new television actresses not looking like the characters from the book. But honestly how many times does a good-looking redhead hang out with a blonde, a brunette, and a racially ambiguous "raven-haired" type (outside of my dreams)?
Although it is much more realistic to cast three dark-haired beauties with one blonde and call it a day, I do think ABC should have been a little bit more careful with their choices considering the readers form a large contingent of potential viewers. I mean I love the "so bad, it's good"-risks our television networks take just as much as the next bored person, but at least be a little more aware of your demographic. And don't upset the little girls before you even premiere.
Come on now ABC, it's common sense.
Honestly though, how could you miss this:

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Perfect Platform





At the urging of my very supportive family members I, Kacie Renee Finance, have auditioned for Glee via the nationwide talent search on myspace.com. Despite the sound quality being horrendous, the feedback overpowering my voice, and my general displeasure with the personal statement and audition song (oh the sweet sounds of the self-loathing artist) I have included a link to my performance below.

http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions?link=530418212

Please America, choose me. Give me the break I've been waiting for, and let me shine on the silver screen alongside one of my personal heroes, Jane Lynch.


The Softer Side of Poon

This is Punski.  She is a 5lb. domestic shorthair. I'm sure you can already tell by her profile that she is an incredibly docile creature with a tremendously warm demeanor. Like most lesbians I thought getting a cat with my ex-girlfriend was the BEST IDEA EVER. I thought about adopting from KittyKind, but the pre-spayed, pre-vaccinated cats there were apparently too expensive for my father, and he planned to show me how I could get a cat for "free".
Dad rescued my 4-week-old wonder from some farmland in Stafford, CT. As an homage to my father I named her Punski, which is too long of a story to get into.
Since then you can imagine the nicknames she's been crowned out of irony. There is one syllable of her name, ladies, that was chosen quite pointedly as another homage to one of my favorite things in this world...
the Eastern European usage of -ski as a suffix for most surnames (obviously).
As a linguistics buff there was no way I was going to settle for Poonsky or Punskey. I mean come on now, where is the Adam-Lambert-ness* in that? So I went for the most phonetically correct transcription of her name based off of the IPA.
Punski Finance is a vethold name in Queens. Before her last visit to the Broadway Animal Clinic in Astoria, I had to call Trylon Vet Care in Forest Hills in order to have her medical records released. According to my new vet, Trylon had to fax over the records to them before they could spay her. I was already a wreck having my 2 year old cat spayed while she was in heat, and then came the phone tag. Finally I got a woman on the line who said, "Oh Miss Finance, usually we don't release records without the caretaker coming in to sign the proper forms, but since you're such a valued client we'll fax it over right away." What Judy was really saying was "Miss Finance since Punski is worth her weight in gold and you've already poured enough into our practice to put a down-payment on a Manhattan loft, there are no legal complications for you. We'll mail you a copy and you can sign it whenever."
Why did I wait 1 year and 11 months to get Punski spayed? Well what I failed to mention before was that the first time I held little four-week old Punski in my arms was also the first time I've had a flea jump all up in my sweater. My ex-girlfriend and I spent four weeks ridding my apartment of the infestation she brought with her. We also made sure we were home three times a day to give Punski the four medications she required for her double case of pink eye, an upper-respiratory infection, and worms (which she had gotten from the fleas).
So like I said before, getting a pet with the woman you love is the BEST IDEA EVER if you want your relationship to be tested in every way possible. Despite all of the obstacles we faced Punski got a clean bill of health, a beautifully shiny coat, two gorgeous green eyes, and two mommies who loved her more than most would have.

video

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Breaking the Seal


I've decided to begin my new blog, One of 6.3 Million, with a comment on American Idol. What better way to break into the blogosphere than rattling on about America's favorite television show. But can somebody please tell me... Where are the Adam Lamberts of this season? Where is the creativity? And how, in goodness' name, is Kara DioGuardi 40 years old? (I mean come on now, good for you Kara. Good. For. You.)

Is it just me, or is there a substantial increase in judge-time this year? I realized this morning that I set the DVR for the show and as soon as the vocalists are done I fast-forward to Simon. I need a little constructive criticism in my life, and he is the only one who provides it. As soon as Simon is gone I will have no place to fast-forward to, and American Idol will lose the very "realness" that makes it so popular. After all, nobody gets anywhere from being pampered. 

Last night little Aaron sang "Blue Suede Shoes," which is a song I grew up listening to more than I would have liked. Like many Americans I thought "Blue Suede Shoes" was an Elvis song; but oh no, it is in fact, a Carl Perkins song.  Elvis covered it on a live broadcast back in the day which led to this all-too-common misconception. It was not until last night, when I got home from Broadway's wonderful new show "Million Dollar Quartet," that I became aware of my ignorance - and it was discouraging to see that no one had noticed on American Idol either. Perhaps if Aaron had actually been wearing blue suede shoes I would not have been so disappointed. Just food for thought, AI.

My prediction for tonight's results show is Andrew and possibly Aaron or Katie. The problem is, I don't want to see any of the contestants go at this point. They've all got something to bring to the table, but it is a competition and we all know how those end. Last night, Simon called Katie's Elvis pick "loud and annoying". Oh sweet, sweet Simon, you certainly do have a way with words.

Moving on... Can we all take a moment to give it up for Siobhan? First of all, who has a name that's spelled like that. And as if that weren't enough, Siobhan is even more original than the phonetic construction of her name. From the first time I saw her speak on live broadcast I thought "Oh my... this woman is a freakin rock star." The last thing anyone wants to see is a spirit like that crushed by the reality of "true" stardom.

I could sit here and write for hours about the contestants of FOX's hit show, American Idol, and let's face it, as one of the 6.3 million people who are out of work, I have the time. But while the final 9 are busy pursuing their dreams and ripening their careers so am I. American Idol, you have given ordinary people the drive to do what they've always dreamed of so it's only fitting that I make you and yours the topic of my first blog as I reenter the creative world as a force to be reckoned with.